Comedian and Actor

Happy Thanksgiving from the Upside-Down

Today I visit my family in print, since that’s the only way they can stand me.

Like the one person I’m related to who’s refused to be in the same room with me for over ten years. My Mom and my sister died and there were funerals, um, yeah, but no. This person didn’t go. Wait! It’s not a matter of respect. It’s just that, you probably don’t realize, you may not know, Mom was rude to this family member in the famous incident of 2004, and that transgression lives BEYOND DEATH.

No funeral attendance for my dead Mom because, really, it should be obvious, doing the best she could wasn’t enough, loving a person all their life wasn’t enough, she didn’t love them CORRECTLY, POLITELY or RESTFULLY. She didn’t love them RIGHT. You get no points for trying. It’s all conditional my friend. Do I have to remind you: the incident of 2004!!

Furthermore, I heard somewhere that myself, my Mom and my sisters are not “relaxing” enough (even dead) to merit the spending-with of time. Anyone should be able to see that. Especially since the famous incident of 2004. Right before my Mom died, she said “I haven’t seen this person since 2004” and I was like, SOMEONE’S IN THE UPSIDE-DOWN.

And this other family member does not go to the upside-down. ITS TERRIFYING IN THE UPSIDE DOWN YALL. THEY (WE) are there. Who wouldn’t want to avoid THAT for all eternity?

Other people pretend this isn’t bizzarre, tell me (via text only, of course – you can text to the upside-down but you just can’t GO there) how much they love me…but when I ask to share a meal, there’s just that echo-y silence and vanishing sound. Then the ugly vines and JESUS CHRIST WE DON’T EAT IN THE UPSIDE DOWN ITS NOT RELAXING AND PEOPLE NEED TO RELAX.

In therapy I learned I was banished to the UPSIDE DOWN because anyone can banish you there for any reason. This is called “Other people don’t have to like you.”

So me, I once filled a small plane too full with gas and all the people couldn’t come along for the ride. I offered a book and then decided I wanted to keep it. OK I AM AN ASSHOLE. Even this year, I sent a present, and it arrived with postage due. INTO THE UPSIDE DOWN WITH YOU AND EAT BY YOURSELF.

Happy Thanksgiving, from your favorite family asshole – me.

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