Comedian and Actor

You can’t escape Me and Taxes

You can’t escape me and taxes.

I got to play “death” in a recent short film. Here’s me as what awaits you after too much sex, drugs, rock & roll.

It gave me a chance to think about what scares me: irrelevancy, infirmity, WRINKLES! CHICKEN NECK! Sometimes I catch myself in the mirror and just go NO! I think what scares me most is I don’t know when I will start my last slow fade. And how will I die? Will it be funny? I pray I don’t die a ridiculous death, it would be horrible for a comic to get all these laughs and not even know it.

I took care of my Mom the last five years before she died. The whole time all she talked about was death. Every time she stubbed her toe, she’d gasp out “No heroic measures!” The real hero was the person who could hold in their laughter at that point. Mom was so tough to deal with, my husband and I would sit out in the parking lot at her assisted living and blast MC Hammer’s “Cant’ Touch This” as our preparation to see her.

When I went away on business trips my Mom used to tell me to be careful…”Because if something happened to you who would take care of ME?” She’d say (at 88) “I’m in your will, right?” She was tough but I loved her. I would call the assisted living residence every day to check on her. And I would tell them “Stop assisting!”

With Mom gone, I’m next in line. It’s not as far away as you think! I recently turned fifty. (AND by recently, I mean within the last ten years.) My body falling apart is a constant surprise to me. Last week I was walking around naked and I injured my private parts on the door frame. Just mortifying. If you’re over fifty and you’re not depressed, then I salute you. Please share your secrets in the comments below.

When I was a little girl I was terrified of ending up a lonely hag in a trailer house, eating fast food all day, not washing the dishes, yelling at people, and reading True Confessions as the extent of my intellectual activity. I fled my mobile home upbringing, only to play my nightmare self in a movie years later.

That is full circle, my friends. I’ve played death as my biggest fear, and come out the other side. By the way, my CURRENT biggest fears are: being a headliner, being on TV, being in movies and appearing on late night TV. Ha ha ok those are my dreams.

My new day job in accounting starts tomorrow so I yes I’m killing it.